"Yeah, so I've been working here about a few months. It's pretty nice." He is standing with one foot perched upon the stool, like in a Captain Morgan commercial.
"Oh really?" asked the woman, leaning in. Her frizzy hair and sun-damaged skin gave way to forlorn blue eyes craving a second chance at love.
"Yeah, being the manager is great. You can set your own hours and stuff. You know, it's pretty flexible. And-" he looked down and her with a triumphant grin, "I'm not complaining about the pay."
She chuckled. "I bet not. This seems like a great job."
"But this is only one of my jobs. I work two. For awhile I worked over there at the Best Western, but then I switched to working for NetFlix."
"Oh? Wow, two jobs... that must be hard."
"Yeah, I work a lot. Sometimes its hard, but you know, I'm one of those people who likes a challenge." He straightens his posture, as if to show her the extent of his power.
"Oh...yeah" she laughs nervously, tilting backwards in her seat, causing the chair to creak slightly.
"Yeah.. NetFlix is a pretty fun job."
"So, uh, like how do you actually work for NetFlix. I thought it was all online."
"Nope. There's actually a store out in Hillsboro." He removes his foot from the stool, restlessly shifting his weight.
"Oh, yeah. Now that I think of it, I think I remember seeing one."
"Yeah, that's us. Great place to work."
Suddenly her attention is called away to a pudgy adolescent boy who has been lingering on the outskirts of the conversation. "Daniel, honey. Sit still. Stop moving around so much," she admonishes. He meets her eyes with a vacant stare, and continues in his anxious dance. She turns back to the man with a shrug of apology.
"Yeah so..." he begins, stretching his shoulder muscles, "I gotta get back to work. But I'll see ya around sometime. Nice meeting you."
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This was interesting, I really liked the way your descriptions of movement in combination with the quotes helped create a clear personality of the charachters. The way you started out with the guy and his perched foot/captain morgan-like stance gave us a better image of him from the start. This dialogue flows naturally, nice job!
ReplyDeleteHi Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI really like this blog. The dialogue you captured is really telling of the people involved, and the details about their physicality and actions give a clear idea of the scene you're creating.
Amanda,
ReplyDeleteAs Allison and Maria have also noted, you do quite well in your recollection here of these two main individuals' dialogue.
It seems this is a a mini-immersive journalism piece, of sorts, and I'm wondering if you might add some "I" content to show how you play into the scene. On the other hand, since some immersive journlism does not include the writer, you may find this works as it is.
Lastly, I'm wondering if mentioning the "pudgy adolescent boy" is necessary, his role in offering an exit from the narrative. Perhaps this mention could be replaced--if you revise later--with something else (maybe a bit of reflection and/or commentary from yourself).
Best,
Peter
It was great how you were able to so blatantly show the awkward attempts of a self-important teenager to impress someone. You made effective use of dialogue tags, which was especially important in this primarily dialogue-based scence.
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestions would be to add in a bit more commentary. I would also agree with Peter in that it might be good to see some of your thoughts or reactions as an observer. In a way those reactions are already there in how you wrote the tags (ie according to your own perspective of the interactions) but spelling them out more explicitly would be helpful to the reader, I think.